Life is a most interesting path. It is a most spiritual path. I remember having thoughts as a very small child that were actually very insightful. I knew that I had not just appeared out of nowhere. I was aware that I wanted to be a certain person, yes even back then. I wanted to look a certain way, to have my own identity, and as a small child I would get so angry when my mother would cut my hair short. I was a girl. The object was to look and act like a girl. Well, actually, there was a moment of realization where I really wasn’t sure whether I was a boy or a girl. For a moment, my heart went into my throat because my entire life could have been ruined at that very moment. I remember thinking, “I cannot be a boy. I must be a girl.” The thought of being a boy actually revolted me. Yes, it was that bad. I immediately ran to my mother and asked her if I was a girl or a boy. She informed me that I was a girl. “Whew!” What a relief. I knew that it would be impossible for me to live life as a boy or a man.
What would have happened if I, indeed, had been a boy? Although they say that life is short, if you are born the wrong gender it could be a very long life, indeed. Is this what gay people feel? Were they born the wrong gender? Is there something inside of them spiritually that doesn’t go with them physically? In what type of pain do these individuals live in?
These are my innermost thoughts, that is all. I am sharing these to see if anyone else has ever had these thoughts. Certain segments of society portray this as just plain wrong. And on the other side of the coin, you see the gay movement shouting to be heard, to be understood. I physically live in the part of society that unequivocally states that being gay is wrong. The End. This is what our children are taught. I have seen young adults disowned by their parents because they have confided in them that they are gay, only to cause more confusion and hurt.
From what I have observed, from the people I have watched, I say that this is a much deeper issue. I maintain it is a spiritual and psychological issue. Humans are not made perfect. Many have illnesses, many have handicaps. Just wearing glasses is a sign of imperfection. What if something in your innermost being and you body did not go together? This would cause an identity crisis that one would have to adapt to. From a personal perspective, if it was me, this so called adapting would be living a lie to oneself. Look at all the couples that have married for one day a partner to say, “Look, I’m gay, I’m sorry.” Look at the hurt and confusion on both sides. Look at the shattered lives. The children. All because one partner was acting a part and finally could not act any more. What do you do if you truly love a person and society prohibits you from being with that person? As a young adult my parents who where most rigid, would not let me be with the one I loved because he was from the wrong side of the tracks. I was once forced to give up a friendship because they were not our kind of people. As a child I saw the injustice and the hypocrisy in this but could not do a single thing about it. I was forced to tell my very best friend that I could not play with her anymore. I remember feeling a sadness and a sense of betrayal to my friend that no child should have to feel. But I would have my mother to contend with. And she knew. Her name was Maria. My best friend. At school our eyes would meet and we would each have a longing, oh, I wish we could be best friends again. This was not a one time occasion, many times I was told, “They are not our kind.” And many times I was put in the most difficult position of breaking that friendship. I thought, “If you feel that way, then why don’t YOU go tell them you won’t let them be my friend?”
We tend to class people in groups. Depending on our parents experience, and sometimes our own experience, sometimes just what we observe, say in the news, we tend to class a group of people as bad or undesirable. This is a most destructive thing to do for humanity and our planet as a whole, as we are all people with our different challenges, our different hurts, our different disappointments.
We all need to look at ourselves and each other as individuals. Once you get rid of the “group” mindset and look at someone as an individual, look into their eyes, see their experience, their hurt, their joy, our whole perspective changes. How in the world, are we going to reach someone if we hate them? It is impossible. We are not perfect ourselves, can we hold hands and come to an understanding of each other and work towards a better world?
I am assuming that everyone is basically good and has others’ good intentions at heart. Unfortunately, there are very evil people out there. In my everyday life, I have come across the most vicious, malicious, hateful, jealous ridden people you could ever come across. Sometimes I think these people have climbed straight out of the bowels of hell, brushed themselves off and gone forward to destroy all that is good. But guess what? Those people look exactly like me. But I have found, if you strive towards the good, to what’s right, and ignore these people, they do lose credibility in the end and good does win over evil. As a child I had no control over these things, but as an adult, I certainly do.
Wouldn’t it be lovely if the solution were as easy as this? Unfortunately, the planet is filled with people seeking greed and power. They will do anything and hurt anyone to obtain it. These people can no longer hurt me. I am in control of my life and my little world. I like my world little, for it is my own reality. I have a relationship with my Creator and I know that he, indeed, is in control. I know that life does not end with this existence, it is a most wonderful adventure through eternity. As I woke up as a child, knowing I had made plans as to who I wanted to be, what I wanted to look like, I know that when this life is over, I shall wake up again, I only pray that it be a pleasant and wholesome place.
These are my innermost thoughts. These are my observations that I have had since childhood and many of my severe beatings were because I would ask these questions. So I learned never to question or speak. As I get older and realize that these thoughts and observations were very real and an integral part of me, I question my existence, now and through eternity. And someone is answering me. In the end, whether society thinks you are good or bad, know one thing and the most important thing. God knows your heart. He knows where you stand and what you truly are.
©Luella May 2006
Luella May is currently the co-founder and editor of “The Corner 4Women.com” http://thecorner4women.com and writes exclusively for her blog http://thecorner4women.blogspot.com and Luella’s Corner http://oakwoodgrafix.co.uk/blog/LuellasCorner/